I’d packed my PlayStation, which I connected to the TV in the room farthest from the water. The ocean crashed outside the beachside condo where I vacationed with my mother and my friend, Lucy. I played Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage at the beach – not Dragon Shores, but the shores of Lido Key, Florida. Vacation thwarted, Spyro can’t get to Dragon Shores until he helps these lovable nerds – and if he could, there wouldn’t be a game. En route to the waterfront, Spyro and Sparx are pulled through an alternate portal into the land of Avalar, where they’re greeted by a cluster of cute magical creatures looking for dragonian help in defeating an evil, reddish, bushy-eyebrowed overlord (sound familiar?). After defeating Gnasty, Spyro and dragonfly pal Sparx decide to vacation in a water park/beach realm, Dragon Shores, in Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage. I met Spyro in the seventh grade when I helped him rescue the Dragon Realms from Gnasty Gnorc, a shitty orc-gnome, in Spyro’s titular first game. One such beautiful, beach-loving friend is Spyro the Dragon, a purple winged reptile I haven’t heard from in a few years, but who’s slated to return in September 2018. It’s July now, which means my cooler (if less goth) friends are filling my Instagram feed with their beautiful faces in beachy landscapes, their windswept hair fanning over beer cans, waves rollicking in the background, casual laughter implied. But chatting with mermaids (or xenophyophores) would still involve going outside and that’s always been a tough sell for me. I like the ocean – mermaids live there and the xenophyophore-sprinkled Marianas Trench is goth as hell. Three stingrays brushing against you in open water so you run shrieking onto land only to have a bunch of adults not believe you? Weak.

Have you ever experienced sand fleas? They’re bad. I don’t hate the beach because I’m goth, I hate the beach because it sucks.

If you like what you see, grab the magazine for less than ten dollars, or subscribe and get all future magazines for half price. This column is a reprint from Unwinnable Monthly #105.

Spyro the dragon ripto's rage